More Than I Could Give
by Midnight Maiden
Summary: CHAPTER 13 HERE! Kel finds herself in a passionate relationship with a certain prince Roald. Its a twisting dilemna of passion against propriety, self interest against country. Read and Respond!
1. Chap 1 In Which Kel's Heart Is Broken

More Than I Could Give

By: Midnight Maiden

Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns all characters.

Important!!! This entire story has been rewritten and I think it would be worthwhile to read the whole thing over, even if you're itching to skip to chapter 10!

Kel couldn't help it. She was hopelessly in love with Neal. She loved the way his hair brushed back from a perfect widow's peak and the way his green eyes always has that mischievous shimmer. She had to tell him. She wouldn't be able to stay silent forever, and she couldn't shake the feeling that he might love her too. Options for how to tell him rolled in her mind. They were pretty limited. Because she was a squire, there was no need for a study group, so that excuse was out. Instead she just put on her best Yamani-Lump face and trudged over to Neal's rooms. She knocked timidly on the door and Neal opened it smiling brightly. "Hey Kel, what brings you?"

The question nearly toppled her over. What had brought her? How about feelings so strong and so pent-up she feared she might burst if she had to carry them for a moment more. Trying to calm herself she sat on the bed, her hands balled into fists to keep them from shaking. She didn't trust her voice to speak right away.

Neal looked at her curiously. He'd certainly known Kel long enough to know that she was not herself. Worried, he asked, "Kel, what's wrong? You have that face on."

Before she could stop them, give them a moment's more consideration, the words spilled from her mouth. "I came to tell you that...that I love you. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore." A terrified relief erupted inside her as her secret became visible.

Neal jut stared at her, open mouthed. She instantly regretted her words. His lips were so taunting. Knowing that he would reject her, she took the only chance she would get and kissed him softly before leaving his room. She couldn't seem to find a single place which would give her the comfort she needed. Every place in the palace seemed to close in around her or leave her in a vast, open, nothingness. Only her six years of Yamani training kept her from crying. Her heart wrenched, like it had been shredded and pounded. The Yamani were right. Emotion was weakness, and she was the epitome.

With a total exhaustion of options, she retreated to the stables. The only one she could think of who might care about her awkward mistake, even if he couldn't relate, was Peachblossom. She sat right down in the shavings. The gelding felt her sorrow and curled up around her, resting his head on her feet. She leaned up against him and fell asleep, managing to keep the tears at bay.

When she woke the next morning, Peachblossom still hadn't moved, though he was awake. Her sparrows had accompanied her at one point, but she didn't know when. The night had been like a terrible blur, which she was sure she'd be better off pretending not to remember. She stroked her faithful companion's head, receiving an appreciative nicker in return.

"It's better here with all of you," she said. "I don't have to ever worry about one of you rejecting me. None of you would ever turn your back on me." She heard footsteps coming to the stall, but didn't even move. She really didn't care if anyone saw her. She was aloud an emotional breakdown, just like they were.

A red-haired head poked over the half-door of the stall. "Oh Kel, thank the Goddess you're alright. I was so worried."

"What? Am I not allowed to spend a night with my horse?" She asked, trying to be innocent. She was a terrible liar and the words were just making her seem even guiltier. 

It didn't take Cleon long to call her out on it either. "Oh come on Kel. What's wrong?"

Resigned to telling her pathetic story, she patted the dirt next to her. Cleon shook his head and eyed the gelding wrapped around her. She sighed. "Can you please let Cleon sit by me Peachblossom?"

The gelding nodded reluctantly and Cleon sat carefully next to her. "I just had a really rough night, that's all. I just needed to get away." The collar of her shirt was starting to itch. She pulled it away from her neck, feeling like she could breathe a little better. 

"Neal told us you'd run away. He didn't tell us why." Pulling her hand away from her throat and placing it in the shavings between them he continued, "Do you want to fill me in?"

She put her head down. No, she didn't want to tell. She didn't want to think about it ever again. She wanted all of it to just go away. "It's a bit humiliating really, and I'm not in the mood to be laughed at so…"

"I don't think it's funny if you're hurting enough to sleep in a stall."

She looked up, a little surprised by his seriousness. "Thank you." He nodded and she spilled the whole story. It all seemed a little ridiculous in the retelling. She couldn't fathom what could have possible motivated her to make such a spectacle of herself. "He rejected me, Cleon. And he just let me walk away."

Cleon shook his head. "A while after you left he went looking for you. When he couldn't find you he got us to start helping him. We searched almost all night before going to bed, hoping you were safe."

That really shouldn't have been a surprise but it was. Actually, it was comforting to know her friends had looked for her. There was still one nagging thing that she didn't know how to bring up, but desperately wanted to. "It...It isn't ever going to be the same, is it?"

He shrugged. "For sure not if you stay in here all day." Giving her a hand he hoisted her to her feet. "I say you go talk to him. Give him a chance to redeem himself."

That made sense at least. "Thanks Cleon. I really needed someone to talk to."

He started to leave but paused, looking back at her. "I would never not be there for you."

That last comment puzzled her a little, but she pushed it away. She had to deal with Neal, not Cleon and his dumb fake affections. As she walked to Neal's rooms her heart pounded and her palms sweat. She'd never been so worried in her life, not even the night before. What if she'd ruined everything?


	2. Chap 2 In Which Kel Is Torn

Surprisingly enough, Neal seemed as if he was going to be able to pretend that nothing had happened. There awkward moments were minimal and Kel thought they could still be friends, even with her slip of mouth. They'd talked for a long time before Kel finally had to go tell Raoul where she'd been. He was also very nice about the whole situation, but then, she had purposefully failed to mention the true reason she'd slept in the stables. She suspected he didn't buy her fresh air, but he wasn't going to push it.

Even though everything was back to normal with her friends, it was not with herself. She passed by the mirror hanging in her room, and paused. The face looking back at her wasn't one tnat she recognized. She didn't look at it often, and it seemed to be a stranger to her eyes. Her shoulders seemed broader, her features bigger. Sje didn't have any petite charms that a lady ought to have. Maybe she really was just a boy who was unfortunate enough to have breasts.

Cleon came to visit her one-day when Inness had some back from the North. He was just in time to receive her in a terrible mood. She'd gone into town and was confused for a boy. This never would have bothered her before but today it nagged at her.

"Kel, are you alright?" Cleon asked. "You seem really quiet."

"Yes-" she started, but her frustration got the better of her. "No, actually." She looked at him seriously. "Am I ugly? Is there something wrong with me?" Again, she had to fight to keep even one tear from sliding from her eyes. She was being torn apart. Day by day, her mind ripped her a little more.

Cleon pulled her into his arms and hugged her tight. "No." He squeezed her a little tighter and asked. "Whoever told you that?"

"No one," she said. It was the truth. No one had needed to tell her, she'd just gotten a shove in the right direction. Neal's rejection was an indication of her physical shortcomings. It was the only possible explanation for him not wanting to take their friendship to the next level.

"Don't ever let anyone ever make you believe that, Kel," Cleon said, wiping her loose hairs away from her face. "Not me, not your sisters, not Joren, not even Neal."

Kel stiffened at the mention of Neal's name and instantly wished she hadn't. Cleon jumped up, anger rising to the surface of his features. Holding her at arms length his eyes took hold of hers. "He did this to you didn't he? He brought on these absolutely ridiculous notions."

She shook her head, pushing him away from her "No, Cleon! He didn't, I did. I'm just ugly. So ugly that no one would ever love me!" She was shouting now, and getting dangerously close to the point of hitting something. "It's just me!"

"Kel listen to yourself!" Cleon shouted back, just as loud

"No, listen to you! Stop trying to lie and make me feel better! You could walk into a ballroom and have a million girls swarming around you! I know; I've seen it!" She knew the words were harsh, but she couldn't stop them. Cleon threw his hands in the air and stalked out of the room.

"I HATE them! I hate them all!" She screamed at no one in particular. "No man will EVER be worth my time!"

It was at that moment that Kel knew she was better off alone anyway. She was training to get her shield and leave, not to fall in love. She didn't need love or anything that it brought with it. A knight's life didn't mix well with romance, after all. It meant nothing to her, except a distraction. Knowing her own face in the mirror was more important than someone else liking it. If she dressed up, it was to please her, no one else.

Most of her friends were away. Owen and Wyldon had gone to fight raider, Cleon and Inness went North, Alanna and Neal were visiting the Swoop, and Roald was busy doing whatever princes do. Shinko was available occasionally, but her upcoming marriage kept her busy. Life was essentially at a standstill for Kel. The Third Company hadn't been sent to do anything, which meant her jousting lessons became more and more frequent. Everyday she still got pounded and felt like she'd been hit by an avalanche, but it hurt a little less each time. She would take that over sitting around anyway.

Sweat dripped into her eye as she swung her glaive, working a tough pattern. She ignored it and kept turning, slicing, retrieving, charging. A knock on the door interrupted her focus. Sighing, she set her glaive down and went to see who was calling. She couldn't imagine who it might be, no one was here. She opened the door to find Roald waiting outside, a tray of muffins and green tea with him

"Oh, hi Roald. What brings you?" She asked.

He shrugged, setting the tray down at the small table in her room. "I don't know about you, but I've been terribly bored with everyone gone. I figured we might enjoy each other's company."

She smiled, relieved that some one else was feeling as lonely and useless as she was. "I _have_ been bored and would very much like the company."

"I hear Neal is having such a very wonderful time with Lady Alanna," Roald said, sarcasm nearly visible as it dripped off his tongue.

Kel chuckled at that. "You could put it that way." Both knew very well that Neal was probably trying his best to survive a barrage of unnecessary insults and lectures. Some day he would learn to accept what he so willingly dished out.

The flow of their conversation was interrupted by the dissonant sound of bells chiming throughout the halls and corridors of the palace. Unfortunately Kel was still required to adhere to the lights out rule. Knowingly, Roald gathered up the tray and rose from his seat. 

"Will you come back tomorrow?" Kel asked, standing with him. She had really enjoyed the night. This was a new side of Roald, not the Roald that wanted to make everyone happy and sat at different tables in the mess hall every night. She'd met who he was as a person, not as a diplomat.

He nodded. They walked to the door but when they got there she froze. He was looking at her strangely, like he was trying to see though her, but into her. There was something different in his eyes. "Roald?"

Before she could register what was happening, he leaned in and kissed her. Unable to help herself she kissed him back. She arched into him, her pelvis against his, in response to his hands gripping her lower back. Just as swiftly as it had started the kiss ended. She wanted more, but Roald left, leaving her panting in the doorway.

"Kel?" A cheery Yamani voice called. "Have you seen Roald?"

A traitorous sickness rose in her as the reality of what she'd just done struck her. Fighting the urge to slam the door and hide it, she waited for her old friend.


	3. Chap 3 In Which Kel Finds Love

Shinko walked into the room, congenial and innocent of the great wrong that had just been done her. "Have you seen Roald, Kel? I've been looking for him."

"He just left." Kel pointed out the door, willing Shink to follow her finger. It was the truth anyway, without actually telling her anything. She would leave that to Roald. He was betrothed to her.

Nodding, Shinko left and Kel retreated to her bed. This had gone much too far. The kiss had been incredible, like none she'd ever know, but it was irresponsible. Falling in love with the engaged Crown Prince of Tortall was certainly not a good idea.

She spent the night tossing and turning, unable to stop running hypothetical scenarios through her mind, all of which included the unreachable happily ever after. At last she slept, but thoughts of a certain blue eyes prince haunted her dreams.

--- ----- 

The next morning Kel did not feel any great need to get up. Getting up meant going outside, which more than likely meant seeing Roald. She knew she couldn't avoid him forever, but she needed more time to figure out what she was going to do. What if he tried to kiss her again? Gripping the sheets between her fingers she tried to abolish that thought. It was like, as soon as she didn't want anything to do with men, they wanted everything to do with her!

Raoul shouted through the door. "Rise and shine Lady Kel. We have jousting lessons!"

She snorted, flinging the covers away from her. A flurry of disgruntled sparrows flutted about the room in protest. "Sorry," she grumbled, pulling on clothes, not at all her usual morning self. Padding down to the stables, she got Peachblossom saddled as quickly as possible so she could meet Raoul on time. Of course, by the time she got out, he was already ready to go.

"Ready, Kel?" He asked, the amusement dancing in his eyes making Kel feel ill. She was in for it today.

"Yeah, okay." She picked up her lance and went to the isle. The flag went down and she shouted, "Charge!" Peachblossom thundered down the lane. Everything was perfect. The lance, her body, and the horse, were one. Then she saw Roald watching her. His piercing blue gaze bore into her. Before she knew it, she was out of the saddle and in the dirt.

"Kel, are you okay?" Roald said, trotting over and towering above her. "You totally lost focus."

"Yeah, just give me a minute, okay?" She picked herself up and walked over to where Roald was standing. He was smiling at her in that irritatingly attractive way, leaned up against the rail casually. "What are you doing here?" She demanded.

"I came to watch you joust with Raoul. Why?" Taking her in in one sweeping gaze he frowned and asked. "You don't want me here, do you?"

Oh, how she did want him here, with her, all the time. "It's not that I don't want you here. It's just that I'd rather see you when I can really talk to you. Last night was very confusing, and," she tripped on the word, "…complicated. Come see me after I'm done, then we'll discuss everything."

He made some sort of inaudible noise before walking away. She hated seeing his back turned to her. She knew she needed to though. The rest of the jousting lesson went well. She didn't fall out of the saddle, though she did smash a lance. She was scrubbing down her tack, enjoying the feel of the oiled leather between her fingers when a familiar voice stroked her ear. "Kel, what was confusing about last night?"

She set the sponge down and stood up, not liking the uncomfortable pleasant feeling she got with him leaning over her. "Take a wild guess at who showed up at my door after you left." Putting her bridle on a rack, she grabbed a currycomb and started brushing down Peachblossom.

Roald shrugged.

She sighed, massaging the brush deeper into her horse's shoulder. He leaned into, whuffing loudly out of his nose. "Shinko."

At last Roald put all of the pieces together. "Oh Kel, that's right!"

"Yeah 'that's right'. What are we supposed to tell her. She's one of my friends Roald." Putting the curry back in the bucket she reached for a hard bristle brush, trying to keep her mind distracted while her mouth talked. "I'm not sure if I should even get involved with you."

"But I don't love Shinko." She looked at him. He said that like it was the only thing that mattered. Then he unhooked the latch of the stall and came in with her. "I want a chance to love you."

"I-" She prostested weakly, his facer drawing nearer to hers.

Roald took her by the shoulders and kissed her hard. The passion in his grasp took hold of her insides. Her knees buckled and Roald went down with her. Fire rolled from his lips through her whole body. She pressed her body against him, trying to be closer. Her hands in his hair trembled as did her whole body. Her cheeks burned where he touched them with his hands.

When he pulled away he locked eyes with her. "Kel, let me love you," he whispered, his soothing tones lulling her into demureness which was alien to her.

She looked away, trying to break through the fog of desire thick around them both. "It would never be allowed."

"I don't care. This is me and you, no one else." He lifted up her chin. "You're more important to me."

She was shaking terribly. Words she had never uttered slipped from her lips, "I'm scared."

He caressed her cheek, she tilted her head, exposing more of her neck for his touch. "I'll look after you." Leaning in, he kissed her. Teased her really, caressing his lips over hers, with only the slightest touch, breathing on her skin. She pulled him closer and locked his lips with hers. He pushed her over in the sawdust and lay on top of her; touching her delicately, making her blush.


	4. Chap 4 In Which Kel Feels Betrayed

The next evening Kel walked up to Shinko's rooms. Somehow she'd become the one who got to share the upsetting news. Of course, Shinko answered the door, genial as ever. Kel had no idea how she was going to be able to do this. She didn't know how her friend felt about Roald, maybe she'd fallen for him already. Kel toyed with the fringe of her sleeve and dove in. "Shinko, first I want you to know that you can feel free to be upset with me. In fact, I think you will be in just a moment."

"What's wrong, Kel? What happened?" Shinko asked, genuine concern in her voice.

"Shinko." Kel couldn't even look at her. "It's Roald. I just, we just." Why couldn't she just say it? The words were stuck in her throat. Only the pleading look on her friend's face helped her keep going. "Well, we've become involved."

Shinko's face fell. "What?"

"I tried not to Shinko! I really did, but I can't! I tried to think of you, but I couldn't help myself." She was trying so hard to get that lost, betrayed look off her friends face. "Please understand."

Then the stoic Yamini nodded slowly. "Kel, you're in love?" She askes, as if she were thinking carefully about each word before she spoke it.

That surprised Kel a bit. She wasn't sure if she was really ready to call it love yet, but she supposed the feelings certainly were passionate. They genuinely cared for one another. "Yeah, I think I am," she replied slowly.

A smile, a very small one, played on Shinko's lips. "I'm glad for you, Kel," she said.

Kel raised an eyebrow. "Really?" This was definitely not what she had expected. Although this whole scenario was not anything she could have predicted. 

Shinko nodded again. "Who am I to get in the way of love?" Turning away, she went to the window and looked out at the courtyard below. "And besides, now I can go home. There is someone there who I miss very much," she added, crinkling the corners of her eyes just slightly.

"There is?" Relief crashed down on Kel like a wave, drenching her in it, cleansing some of her guilt.

"I was so heart broken to leave him, but I knew I had to. Diplomacy does not stop for personal interests." Turning away from the window she smiled at Kel. "Now I have an excuse."

Panic gripped Kel at those words. Biting the inside of her cheek until the coppery taste of blood filled her mouth, she calmed herself. "Shinko, you'll have to make something up. No one is to know about me and Roald. They'll expect things that I don't want yet. Please." 

"Don't worry, I won't tell. Your secret's safe with me."

Kel hugged her friend tightly. It was all going to work out. Things would be fine. She could see if Kalasin could marry a prince or something. Somehow, this whole thing would work out and the country wouldn't come crashing down because of it.

--- --- --

Roald was waiting outside. She had insisted that she go by herself. If they'd both stormed in there it may have seemed like some sort of attack. She'd wanted Shinko to feel comfortable, not intimidated. From the way he was pacing she was surprised there wasn't tracks in the floor. "Roald."

He looked up and ran over. "What did she say?"

She looked at the tracks of anxiety on his face, suddenly finding them extremely attractive. Fighting the urge to kiss each line slowly away, she gave him the answer he was hoping for. "She said it was fine. She can't wait to go home and see the man she was forced to leave behind."

He sighed, and her heart leapt for the joy she had brought him. "Let's go tell my parents."

Grabbing his arm before he could march off to the king's chambers, she pulled him close to her. "No, let's not." 

"Why not?" He asked, twining her fingers with his.

How could he possibly think she would want to do that? They hadn't even told their friends yet. Choosing her words wisely, she answered, "They'll want me to marry you and bear an heir and make me be queen. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not even sure if I'm ready to be in love yet." Nuzzling his jaw line with her nose, she whispered, "Can't we just keep this to ourselves?"

"Whatever you say," Roald answered his voice husky with want. Quickly he swept her off her feet and swung her around. "Let's go."

Hand in hand they ran back to Kel's quarters and shut the door behind them. Roald lay her down on the bed, kissing her softly. She kissed him back, enjoying unique taste of him. She never thought this would be possible, especially not with Roald. His lips left her, burning a path from her ear, down her neck. The feel of his mouth and his hands undoing the laces on her tunic were nearly more than she could contain.

Someone rapped on the door but they ignored it. They were too tangled to untwist themselves anyways. The door swung open and Neal and the whole gang stood outside. Breaking apart they looked up at everyone, blushing.

Cleon's mouth dropped, as did everyone else's. "What is this?"

Roald scowled, doing his best to shield Kel from view. "Since when do you just burst into someone's rooms?"

Kel just sat back, trying very hard to make herself invisible. She knew that neither of them had tunics on and that her shirt was nearly half unbuttoned, which made her even more embarrassed. Snatching the sheets up to her chin, she watched the scene before her unfold.

"Since you were trying to bed my best friend," Neal snapped, an anger in his eyes that was entirely unfamililar to Kel

"Neal," she said trying to keep her voice calm. "I do not need a keeper. I will do whatever I want."

"You don't even know what you want. You're just insecure and he happens to be here," Neal shouted. "One day it's me, the next it's him. Who will it be tomorrow?"

"What would you know about insecurity? Don't yell at me and don't act like you have any say in my life! You turned _me_ away, remember? You forfeited your right to be involved. I know exactly what it is that I am doing!" She shouted back.

"You can't get your shield if you're heavy with baby," he said coldly.

Kel exploded. "I can't get pregnant. I'm not an idiot Neal. I wouldn't just throw my life away, okay. Or do you think me that low?" She was shaking so hard the sheets had slipped out of her grip. She didn't even care that she was exposed.

Meanwhile, Roald had been watching the argument and decided he better do something before they used more than words to hurt each other. "Neal, get a hold of yourself."

Neal whipped around. "You. I'm not even started with you. How dare you do this to her!"

"What, because you chose to turn her away, but changed your mind, it's my problem. Sorry Neal, you lose," Roald returned. That hit the nail on the head. Neal stalked out of the room.

Kel looked down and started picking at her fingers. "Maybe you should all just go. I'll see you at dinner." Everyone started to leave but Roald. "Yes, you too," she said, forcing herself to make him leave. Reluctantly he kissed her forehead and left the room.

At last she couldn't help it; she started to cry. The past few days' events was just overwhelming. She pulled out the pregnancy charm her mother had given her several months ago and stroked it. Her body was hers. No one could tell her what to do with it. The tears continued to flow for several minutes, and slowly eased away when there was none left to spill.


	5. Chap 5 In Which Kel Is Relieved

Kel walked back into the mess hall that night, shaking slightly. She wasn't sure what she was going to do. She did know that she was going to continue things with Roald; she did not know how to tell that to Neal, who was still seething from the night before. Ignoring her friends' curious looks, she sat next to Roald with a group of squires she hardly knew.

He took her hand and squeezed it. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"It's not your fault." She looked up at him and smiled weakly.

He looked away so she couldn't see his eyes. "You wouldn't leave me for Neal, would you?" He asked cautiously. "You aren't just with me because I'm here?"

"Not ever. I didn't want anyone at first. I tried to push the thought of you out of my mind like I had before, but I couldn't and I can't. I want to be with you." She wanted to kiss him and hug him and make sure he knew she meant it. Instead she squeezed his hand tighter.

"Come tonight?" He asked hopefully, his voice so low she had to strain to hear it.

"Yes."

Quietly, so as not to wake Raoul, Kel slipped out of her room and down the hall. Her footsteps led her directly to Neal standing outside Roald's door, waiting. Unbelievable. Shoulders slumped, she rolled her eyes at him. "What Neal?"

"Go back to your rooms."

"No," she hissed, trying not to wake anyone.

"I'm not going to just let you go off and sleep with Roald," he said, putting himself directly in front of the door knob. "I can't."

"Neal! What's this really about anyway? Was Roald right? Did you change your mind about me?" She knew her voice was bitter and cold, but she didn't care. She had somewhere to be and at this point, Neal was just an obstacle.

"Maybe."

"Neal, I once promised myself I would never love a man. But then Roald came along." On the edge of slipping into misty reverie, Kel tried to stay to the point. "He loves and respects me for me. I never thought I would have that, not like my sister could have it. But I realized that if I would just let it happen I could be loved—and love back. I can't love you Neal. Because I already love some one else, and I'm sorry that you let me slip by, but please don't ruin this for me."

"I don't agree with this."

"I don't care."

Without another word Neal stalked back to his room. Kel grabbed the door knob, anxious to be on the other side of it. Before she went in she checked her charm. It was there on a sturdy chain. Quietly she opened the door. Roald was inside, beaming.

"You came."  
She kissed him and walked inside. "Of course."

"Where were we?" He asked, mischief gleaming in his eyes.

Kel smiled, reclining on the bed. "I believe we were here," she replied, slowly peeling off her tunic. The look of want on Roald's face ignited her; her fingertips seductively stroked one breast. Roald tore her shirt away, replacing her hand with his, caressing her taut nipple. A groan escaped her throat as he captured her mouth in a suffocating kiss.

-- -- --

Kel spent as much time as she could with Roald, but his parents were trying to arrange another marriage. Shinko had left without saying a word. Kel knew that she would never know how she had managed to get away, but it was an insignificant detail. What mattered was that she was gone and that other wheels had been set into motion. A Yamani for Roald was still the ultimate goal. 

The new princess they had in mind was not a friend of Kel's. In fact, she was something of an enemy. The thought of that little Yamani wench touching her prince's skin as she did made her stomach churn.

"Roald," Kel said to him at breakfast one morning, "What are we going to do about your parents?" She stared at the napkin she was twisting tightly in her hands.

He grabbed them, prying them from the tortured fabric, and held them tightly. "I know you aren't going to like this Kel, but we have to tell them. As long as they don't know, I'm still a bargaining chip."

She wanted the napkin back, her heart was racing. "I'm not supposed to be having relationships," she replied quietly.

"That's not a problem Kel, and you know it." He was gentle, but firm, delicately testing her will.

It was not strong. How could she pass the Ordeal this midwinter if she couldn't even pull her hands away from a man? "That's the only way?" Her lips formed the words but her mind could not comprehend them. 

He nodded.

"When do you want to tell them?" Her mouth continued, betraying her again.

"I say we tell them now, to save them some trouble."

Her head bobbed up and down, her body leaned toward him. "Okay Roald." She meant it; she would do whatever he asked.

After they had eaten Roald took her hands back in his and lead her out of the mess hall. The king and queen were in their study, in the midst of discussing possible brides when Roald entered. Kel stood back as he went to talk to his parents.

"Father, there is something I think you should be aware of," he started, puffing out his chest and looking as regal as he could

King Jonathon raised an eyebrow and asked, "Oh really?" He sat the letter he'd been reading down, giving his son his full and undivided attention.

Roald gulped and dove in, being blunter than she would have advised. "You won't need to find me a Yamani bride."

What seemed like amusement flashed in the king's eyes. "And why not?" 

Roald motioned for Kel to come forward, which she did. He stood behind her, placing his hands on her hips. The crimson that rose to her cheeks rivaled the shade of the queen's gown. What was he doing? They were in the presence of the rulers of Tortall. "I'm already in love," Roald said, eyes never leaving his parents. Kel stared at her shoes, humiliated by the impropriety. 

Jon rubbed his forehead while Thayet smiled falsely across the table. Kel's heart sank. They were disgusted by their son's choice; they hated her. But Jon of all people should understand. After all, he had nearly married the Lioness. What was so different between the two of them?

Then Thayet smacked him in the head. "Jon! Why does he have to be so much like you!" She demanded, one long finger snaked accusingly his way.

Roald was smiling but Kel couldn't see why. The two seemed genuinely angry. She wanted to flee from this room as fast as she could.

The king shielded himself with his hands. "Now love, that should be a good thing!"

Thayet turned to her son. "You can let her go. I'm not going to kidnap her."

Kel blushed even redder when Roald moved to stand next to her, still grasping her hand.

Then Thayet tossed her papers aside, smiling. "When would you like the wedding? This spring maybe? Oh we'll have to get Kel a beautiful dress..." She started off on a weddinh tangent that steadily increased Kel's need to vomit.

Kel looked to Roald, begging him to intercede on her behalf. He shrugfed and mouthed, "Sorry." Saying it wasn't good enough. He needed to do something before this got out of hand. 

"Mother." He waited for a response, but didn't get one.

"And we'll need to pick a flower for the theme..."

"Mother!"

"What?" She snapped out of her reverie of flowers and candles and gowns.

Roald cleared his throat, mustering the strength to crush his mother's hopes that he would be married off. "I'm just in love with her; I don't want to marry her."

"Why not? Dear, that is what people who are in love do. There is not much else that can be done." She looked sternly at her son. "I do not ever want it implied to me that the integrity of this young lady is being compromised because you are not ready to commit."

"Well, we aren't ready."

Kel piped in for the first time, feeling she had to rescue her prince from the corner he was being pushed forcibly into. "Excuse me, Your Majesty. It's me. I'm not ready to be married, or have children, or be queen." She paused. "I just don't want Roald getting betrothed to anybody else."

Behind his hand Kel heard the king cough something that sounded remakably like, "Alanna!"

Thayet scowled and ignored him. "When do you _want_ to get married?"

Kel didn't know how to tell the queen something that she didn't want to hear. She wanted to tell the most beautiful woman in the realm that she would love to get married to her son and have her grandchildren, but she couldn't. "I don't know yet," she answered slowly, honestly. "When I'm ready, I suppose, but that's not now."

Thayet smiled and sighed, resigned to the disappointing news. "Roald, go get your sister. We still have on eligable Conte."


	6. Chap 6 In Which Kel Fears Knighthood

More Than I Could Give

By: Midnight Maiden

(Disclaimer: T.P. owns all characters.)

The Ordeal. The chamber haunted her every waking and sleeping moment of her life. Soon she would enter it and find out if she really was worthy of a knight's shield. Her failure would not only be for herself, but for every woman in the realm. People would believe it was a divine sign that women should not be knights. It would all be her fault. She could not fail. It weighed on her heavier than the weighted vest tucked away in her room.

Kel jumped when a hand rested on her shoulder. "Oh, Roald, you scared me." She looked up and let herself get lost in those blue eyes she loved so much. Relief that at least one part of her mind was at ease washed over her.

"Brooding over it isn't going to help. Come on, let's go. We need to get your mind off of it." He held out his hands and she took them. He was right. Thinking about it wouldn't help. She would just have to do it. Until then she welcomed any distraction he could provide.

"We could go into the city and visit Lalasa?" Roald suggested.

She missed her friend, her only female friend. It would be nice to spend the day with her. "Yeah, I'd like that."

They walked down to the stables to get their horses. Kel stroked Peachblossom, feeling his intermittent soft and course hairs beneath her fingertips. "How many times have you saved me, my friend?" She asked him quietly. Not only had he saved her in battle, but when she'd needed him he'd always been there. But someone else would have him soon. Her fingers closed on his coat at the thought. Would they treat him like she did? Would anyone choose him? Despite herself a tear trickled down her cheek. The gelding nuzzled it away and pushed her playfully. "Come on, let's go. We still have some time together," he seemed to say.

She mounted up and met Roald outside. "Ready?" He asked.

"Yeah." She smiled impishly. "Last one there's the Stump!" Giving Peachblossom the reins she shouted, "Charge!" They took off, leaving Roald in the dust.

"Hey! No fair!" Roald yelled, laughter in his voice as his mare galloped to catch up.

When they got there, Kel could definitively say that she was not the Stump. In jest Roald elected to play his part. "Mindelan, go climb that tree, but first you have three bells in the armory on Sunday."

She punched him in the shoulder, laughing at his very accurate portrayal. "Very funny."

When they walked in to the store Lalasa was hustling and bustling in true form. Bolts of fabric were flung all everywhere, coloring the store in every shade a lady could wear. She spotted Kel walking in and waved. "Kel! I'll be there in just a minute."

Kel sat down next to Roald, snuggling against him. It was refreshing to be in an environment where they were unrecognizable. They could be nearly anyone. "Roald?"

"Yes, love?" He shifted, seeming to create a spot against him which was made for her.

"I'll have to go away." The thought had just occurred to her. As soon as she was knighted she would have to leave the palace...and her prince. She would go on gallant missions and risk her life in battle.

He pulled her closer to him. "I'll always be with you. No matter where you go, I'll be right here." He pushed her hand into her heart, trying to make her believe it with his touch.

Gods, she would miss him. At times she truly believed that things would be better if she could just stay a squire forever. Then she would never have to give away her horse, or leave her prince, or depend on Selma to feed her sparrows, or leave Raoul, and Neal and the gang. She closed her hand tighter around his. "I'm glad."

Lalasa walked over, looking curiously at Roald as she addressed her friend. "Hello Kel, what brings you?" Kel couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable she seemed.

Kel let go of Roald's hand and stood up. "I'll be right back." She went with Lalasa to her office in the back of the store, interested to know what Lalasa strange behavior meant. As soon as they were safely in, Lalasa's mouth dropped and she stared at Kel. "Kel! That's the prince! As in the CROWNED PRINCE OF TORTALL!" Lalasa was panting at the end of her outburst.

"Relax. He doesn't bite." She was blowing this way out of proportion, just like Kel was sure everyone else would when they knew. "Besides, he was always nice to me." Kel started to twiddle her thumbs. She knew she was crazy to fall in love with the prince, but she had. Why did everyone care so much?

"Yes, but consider what you are doing. You will have to be a queen someday and you will have to bear him an heir. Traveling will be out of the question." Her friend laid a hand on her shoulder. "You seem so happy, but some one has got to tell you. I'm just trying to be a friend."

Kel bit her lower lip. "I can't help it; I love him." It was the honest truth. She already knew the consequences of her choice. She was ready to live with it and Roald would compromise. She knew he would. "Come on, you've met him before, you don't have to worry about him." The thought of being encased in a stuffy birthing chamber for months and having everyone wait to see what her child would be quickened her heart.

Lalasa sighed and shook her head. "I'm not sure this is a good idea, but I'm glad you're in love. I'm glad you've found some one to care about you." A naggin look of doubt was still lingering in her eyes. "After all, Alanna has a husband, family, estate, and career. Surely you could manage as much as well."

Even though she knew Lalasa was still wary, she felt better. "Thank you. Now come out! We have a whole day to spend together!" Kel practically dragged Lalasa out of her shop. "We should go shopping."

Roald just followed behind the two ladies, letting them have their time together. He noticed Lalasa look back at him with a kind of sad, ashamed look. Taken aback, he slowed his step. What had he done?

"Come on Roald, hurry up. You're falling behind," Kel called to him, her sweet voice all he needed to forget Lalasa's gaze. He trotted to catch up. He had never done anything to anyone. But what was that look?

That night Roald came to see Kel. "Oh hi Roald," she said as he entered her rooms, shutting the door carefully behind him.

He sat next to her, taking her hand and stroking it gently with his thumb. "What was wrong with Lalasa today? She kept looking at me like I was some kind of poison." The image of her face still bothered him.

Kel shrugged, as if it should be obvious to him. "Oh, you know, it's because you're the prince."

"What does that have to do with anything?" He demanded, although he knew it had to do with everything.

"She thinks that because I'm with you, I won't get to be me anymore. She thinks I'll have to do those things that a proper princess ought to do." She looked at Roald seriously and rested her hand on his cheek. "Which I know I'll have to do some of, but I won't have to completely compromise myself."

"I would never ask you to." He kissed her, running his hands through her hair, tucking her close. She kissed him back, pressing her face against his knowing that she could always be Kel, and he would love her for it.


	7. Chap 7 In Which Kel Makes A Decision

More Than I Could Give

By: Midnight Maiden

(Disclaimer: T.P. owns all characters)

Roald walked nervously to his parents' quarters. He knocked timidly on the giant doors and waited for some one to let him in. He had to be in trouble. He'd received a message only moments ago that he was to meet the king and queen immediately. Now, as he stood before the massive doors, he could not imagine what could be so important that it had to be settled this moment. A servant opened the door and he walked in.

"Hello, dear," his mother said, her voice slightly too sincere, indicating that she was upset about something. Great, that was just what he needed. "Take a seat."

They were seated at a table and he sat in the chair that she'd indicated he should. "What did you need?" He asked, trying to keep his own voice calm.

"Well, son, we know how much you love Keladry, but-" The king started, toying thoughtfully with his beard.

"But what?" Roald interrupted, rising from his seat. "What do you mean by that?" He demanded. Thoughts of his love ever being alone, out of his arms bombarded him, painted his eyes red.

"Roald, the country expects you to be betrothed. If anything happened to us it would be better for every one if you were married and could provide an heir." Thayet said, choosing her words carefully.

"I will be betrothed, just not now," Roald reminded them, not at all liking the direction this was going. He would not allow his happiness to be destroyed for a country which was perfectly stable.

"Roald, you have two weeks."

His face dropped. Kel would never be ready in two weeks. He could never force her to be ready. But he couldn't leave her either. Clenching his fists to contain the betrayal rising in him, he moved to the edge of the table. "Or else?" He asked defiantly, looking for any kind of hope.

"If you cannot find a suitable bride in two weeks we will call in the Yamani princess."

For several moments he stood, jaw tight. At last, locking eyes with his father, he slammed his fist into the hard wood before him and stormed out of the room. His anger led him to the only place that offered him comfort.  
Kel sat in her room, just finishing her morning exercises. Jump was lying on the bed looking at her like she was waiting for her to feed him, even though she already had. "Jump, you already a very nice piece of meat this morning," she giggled, shooing him away. He seemed to shrug and got off the bed.

As if he was expecting it, some one knocked on the door, and Jump was waiting patiently for her to answer it. "Who is it?" She asked, looking curiously at her dog, who in addition to his many talents, seemed to have developed the Sight. 

"Kel, open up it's me."

She opened the door to see a very distraught Roald waiting outside. She grabbed his hand and pulled him inside. "What's wrong Roald? What happened?"

"I can't tell you." He looked at her, true hurt in his eyes. She wanted to wipe it away, assure him it would be okay, but she didn't know what was wrong.

"Why not?" She tugged his sleeve and led him to the bed. He settled in next to her, laying his head in her lap. Running her fingers through his hair, she wondered what could have happened that would be so terrible.

Her prince looked at her sadly, forced a smile. "Because it would hurt you too much." He reached up to touch her face.

Kel's eyebrows rose suspiciously. "Roald, I can handle that. Tell me what it is." She closed her hand around his, pressing it close to her cheek. 

"No." He shook his head and looked away from her.

She stood up, letting his head unceremoniously dump on the mattress and glared at him angrily. "I demand that you tell me now, Roald of Conte!" She poked him in the chest hard. "There oughtn't be any secrets between us."

"Ouch!" He looked into her eyes and sighed, giving way. "I have two weeks."

"Two weeks?" She asked, wondering what he was talking about.

Roald sighed sitting up, pulling her close in front of him, and burying his face in the folds of her tunic. "To have a bride chosen and a wedding date set."

"Two weeks." Kel's face fell, turning an odd shade of gray. She looked down at the prince in front of her, sitting on the bed, clutching her like a child. This was not a future king of the realm. This was a man who needed things to be taken out of his hands. "Two weeks," she repeated.

He looked up, still clutching her tightly. Then his diplomacy returned. "You don't have to, you know. You don't need this. You can walk away," he insisted, though she knew he could not mean it.

She sunk to her knees, now slightly lower than him, looking up into his piercing eyes. "No," she whispered. "I'm staying."

"I'm so sorry Kel." He stroked her hair thanking the gods for giving her to him. "I love you."

"I love you too." She smiled and closed her eyes. It would be okay. He would make it okay.


	8. Chap 8 In Which Kel Faces It

But what if it wasn't okay? What if he couldn't make sure that she didn't get shoved into the background. Her dreams, the life she had fought so viciously to have, could be ripped away from her in an instant. Kel's heart pounded in her chest as she considered the implications of what she had just committed to. Birds chirping and Jump's breathing resounded relentlessly in her mind. She needed to be up and away from all of these distractions. She could only think of one place to go.

Her feet scratched roughly on the stone floor and her body led her fatigued mind to a place she never thought she would visit again. The Chamber stood before her, its door looming and mocking. She didn't even bother to find a seat, she just sat on the floor, staring upward at an unconquerable enemy. No matter how strong she felt, this would always be stronger; it was part of the make-up of its being. Were other things supposed to be as strong? Were her emotions supposed to be that strong?

Kel stared and stared, but no answer came to mind as she had hoped it would. No enlightening experience came, just a cramp in her back and red eyes. Footsteps sounded behind her. A hand rested on her shoulder, but she ignored it. It wasn't Roald. She didn't turn around until her visitor impatiently cleared his throat. Who she saw made her look away quickly.

"Kel, look at me." Raoul's gentle, husky voice compelled her to face him. His face was lined with worry. She had expected to see resentment. Didn't it bother him that she was even making an allowance for this sort of betrayal? "Why are you here?"

She didn't know why she was here, she had just sort of gravitated this way. "I don't know."

He sat down on the floor next to her. His bulky body looked awkward, as he tried to fold his legs beneath him. "I know what you're worried about…what you're considering." His large eyes looked directly into hers in that irritatingly commanding way. "Don't do it."

Her body jerked away from his. A lump formed in the back of her throat. "Why?" She managed to croak. His disapproval wove deep into her heart.

"Kel, you have spent your whole life commanding the respect of every single soul in this country," He started, "and you've won. Tell your prince that you can't be his shadow. You need a life of your own, and you need that battlefield. Tortall needs you there."

"You don't understand." Suddenly Kel couldn't breath. She needed to be as far away from this room as possible, as far away from Raoul. She needed him to stop. He was going to push her into facing what she most loathed about herself. She stood up, but he caught her arm.

"What could I possibly not understand?"

She whirled around to face him, biting her lip vigorously. "Can't you see? I cannot deny him." Her shoulders slumped. The vocalization struck her fiercely. "Of anything. I love him." It was wrong. She was being selfish. The kingdom would never accept her as their queen. Riots and rebellions would ensue, Roald would be faced with uprisings, and she would be left with nothing. Yet, how could she possibly live another day without him? She hated to admit that she was so weak of spirit, but it was a fact. She had met her other half, and would never be complete without him.

Raoul was about to challenge her, but she cut him short. "Tell me what you would do if I told you to deny your love for Buri. Tell me that you would do what you are suggesting for me, and I will find some way to leave him behind. Tell me!" She demanded. She knew he couldn't. She had seen his face too many times after his sheets had been rustled, the smell of his love permeating into her room.

Then, just as she knew he would do, he walked away and she was once again alone with the Chamber.


	9. Chap 9 In Which Kel Relents

Whack! Whack! Kel's staff made contact with Cleon's over and over. Her frustration rode the length of the wood, freeing itself angrily against Cleon's staff. He pulled back and attempted a swing at her feet; she jumped, narrowly missing a painful crack at her shins. A groan escaped her throat as she charged at Cleon, forcing him to lock staffs with her. The battle was now about brute strength. She bore down on him, but he resisted. She felt her knees buckle under the pressure of his body above her. With every emotion she had carried for the past week, Kel surged up and down, her muscles burning. Then, he was on his knees, at her mercy. They broke apart panting.

Cleon rose to his feet, one hand on his knee, the other wiping his brow. Beads of sweat dripped from his drenched red hair. He chuckled and glanced up at Kel, a look of surprise traveling with his gaze. "I've never seen you like this before. I bet you're stronger than a sledge steed when you're like this. What's gotten into you?"

Kel cleared the sweat from her face as well. "I guess I'm just frustrated." Leaning her staff against a wall she moved closer to her old friend. "What princess could do that?" She asked him. The muscles in her arms bulged as she folded them across her chest.

"Not one yet," Cleon started, "but then, maybe that's the problem with princesses." He retrieved his staff from the ground and walked to pick up Kel's. "Perhaps if princesses were more concerned with the issues that a knight is forced to be concerned with, and less concerned with the total value of jewels clinging to them, the world would be better off," he maintained as he walked toward a shed at the edge of the practice yard. He placed their staffs in the shed and turned to face her. "So you see, oh Pearl of my desire, you are exactly what a princess should be."

She laughed out loud despite herself. "And what is and what should be are rarely synonymous! I should have been born a man, but alas, I am not. Clearly, that argument is not a valid one!" She punched him jestingly on the shoulder.

He punched her back, and they were at it again. Quickly Cleon had her on the ground. She pulled him down with her. Kel managed to pin Cleon's face into the dirt, and pushed a bit of the sand into his mouth. "Eat dirt!" She shouted laughing. Her victory lasted but a moment before he had her pinned to the ground. The two continued to grapple in the dust until a rather loud throat-clearing ended their juvenile trance.

Roald stood over both of them, looking rather amused by their antics. Kel blushed furiously and jumped up, patting off her tunic and hair. This was hardly princess appropriate behavior. He took a step toward her and she looked down, feeling completely ridiculous. Removing his handkerchief , he dabbed at a small cut at her temple. "I've been looking everywhere for you," he said, taking one of her hands in his. Finished cleaning her wound, he lifted her chin up. "I feel a bit like you've been avoiding me these past couple of days."

Cleon took this as his cue to leave, and skipped quickly out of the practice yard. Kel's eyes watched him go, and wished he wouldn't. She hadn't been alone with her prince since her talk with Raoul and had hoped to keep it that way for a little while. "I've just been busy," she lied, her eyes shifting under his interrogative gaze.

"Please don't lie to me Kel," Roald whispered. His fingers twirled a piece of hair behind her ear. She could feel her resolve melting away at his touch. Her head tilted to allow more area for his exploring fingertips. "I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but I wish you would tell me."

She swallowed hard as his thumb traced her jaw line, pausing to caress her lower lip. "I don't…I can't," Kel gasped as took his hand from hers and ran it up her inner thigh, slowly caressing her most stimulating and sacred area. Her mind reeled with the memory of his bare body against hers. Her back arced into his touch, silently begging for the barrier of her breeches to be removed.

"Kel, I need you now," he moaned under his breath, his husky voice sending jolts of want to her womanhood. She allowed him to pick her up and carry her to the nearby barn. Looking around carefully he laid her down in the hay loft. She tore off his tunic as desperately as he removed hers. Then her breast band was undone. With her feet she tugged at his boots until they slid off. Her hands fumbled for the laces on his breeches. A wave of elation stormed through her body at the feel of his hands gently stroking, and slipping inside her. The worries she harbored dissolved as his body joined with hers.


	10. Chap 10 In Which Kel Is Entertained

More Than I Could Give

By: Midnight Maiden

Disclaimer: Clearly the characters mentioned in this story are not mine; they are the manifestations of Tamora Pierce's imagination.

Kel panted heavily as Roald peeled his sweat drenched body from hers. "I can't wait until I can do that everyday," he said, pulling on fawn breeches before walking to the latrine.

Sitting up she pulled the sheets around her. "We do it everyday anyway," she pointed out, watching sadly as clothes covered his perfect body.

"Yes," he said. Walking slowly over to her she wondered what he was thinking about so intently. He kissed her gently, sending her back against the pillows. "My love, I wish to guide you to my bed before the eyes of the whole court and have the servants bring us breakfast in bed, where we might linger all day if we chose. I wish for my displays of affection for you to be appropriate, not scandalous."

Plucking absently on the laces of his shirt, Kel felt the color flush to her cheeks. "Well, that's why we're getting married." The word fell off her tongue like a lead weight. The sun was beginning to peer through the thick brown curtains of her bedchamber. "You need to leave now Roald."

He sighed, nodding and kissed her forehead before leaving, shutting the door gently behind him. Kel crawled out of bed and called for a bath. It had been two weeks since she had been presented with a life altering ultimatum. She'd made a decision and the whole world would know about it in just a few hours. The thought scarred her more than the Chamber. At last a maid arrived with hot water. Sinking into it, Kel tried to relax. But once a soaped rag was placed in her hand all she could do was scrub away at her skin, until she rubbed it raw.

The only contact Kel'd had with Raoul since their talk was when he was plowing her into the ground at jousting practice, and Neal was still refusing to speak with her. To ease the constant anxiety jolting in her, she thought she would call on Cleon for some company. As usual, he answered the door with a smile and an invitation to join him inside. Kel sat herself on the windowsill, enjoying the warmth of the sun on her back. "You're the only one who doesn't think I'm completely crazy or selfish, you know," she said.

He sat down next to her and shrugged. "Then I'm the only one with any sense in this entire kingdom." He smiled and poked her in the ribs, causing her to squirm and laugh out loud. "Do I really give such excellent advice, or am I the only one you have to give you pep talks these days, my dewdrop."

She rolled her eyes. "You know very well that no one else will speak to me."

Grinning impishly Cleon shot her a sideways glance. "Oh, I believe there's some one else who speaks to you all night. Or do you two not do much talking?"

The comment earned him a sharp hit in the arm. "I'd rather not discuss it." She started picking at her fingernails as thoughts of Roald brought back thoughts of a certain announcement that was going to happen tonight. "Everyone's going to know tonight. It's the real reason for the March of the Roses festivities."

Cleon squeezed her hand, a silent reassurance. "Then I shall be the first to bow before my new princess."

Kel wasn't sure how he managed to always say the right thing, but her anxieties had nearly evaporated. Everything was going to be just fine. After all, there were those in the kingdom who held her in very high regard. There were some who felt she was a nuisance and perpetuated an unnatural female role, but their numbers seemed to be dwindling. "Thanks Cleon."

"You're welcome." Fetching a deck of cards from his desk drawer he motioned for Kel to join him at the table. The rest of the afternoon was spent playing cards. He didn't even have to pretend to lose, Kel was much better than he was. The witty repartee and competition seemed to keep her mind off of announcements and weddings, which was the goal. He forgot it often, Kel was usually so strong, but underneath that she was still a woman who needed to be taken care of every once in a while. Everyone needed that. If he was the one who needed to do that for her, he would do it gladly. Then her prince would move in and take that role from him. Roald would comfort her, Cleon would entertain her.

Author's Note: I know it has been absolutely forever, but I have finally updated this story. Any comments you have would be greatly appreciated. The same holds true for constructive criticism.


	11. Chap 11 In Which Kel Bends And Unfolds

More Than I Could Give

By: Midnight Maiden

Surveying herself in the full-length mirror which had recently been placed in her room, Kel sighed. She was a rose, in a crimson velvet gown and gold hood, rubies spilling down its half-moon frame. The molten gold of the mirror border framed her like a painting. She looked beautiful. At last she could see her sisters and her mother in herself. The rest of the room complimented her as well. Once most and nearly barren, gifts from her prince and the royal family had been pouring in, making it nearly as sensational as their quarters. Her old sheets had been cast aside for satin, her draperies were of the finest imports, small decorations worth a small fortune seemed to litter every surface. Jump even had a dog bed fit for a king resting by the side of her four poster.

Her favorite new edition was the absolutely stunning gold rack for her glaive. It hung from the wall, shining with imbedded stones. Her weapon rested in it perfectly, safe from falling over in the middle of the night, or scratching the floor, or being stepped on. She knew she was wrong in coveting such a possession, but she glowed with the royal favor when she saw it.

Giving herself one final look over, Kel left the mirror and the absurd amount of glass it had required and waited by the door. Punctual as always, her escort tapped on her door. She opened it, inviting an absolutely dashing Cleon inside. He smiled, taking her hand and brushing his lips against it. "Your Majesty," he mouthed, as if not daring to speak the words so soon.

She tugged her hand away. "There will be none of that foppery," she insisted. She stepped back to take him in. He had dressed to match her, his crimson tunic brushing his gold clad thighs. His shirt matched his tights, drawing the outfit tightly together. "You look quite handsome Cleon."

He grinned. "I will always be a shadow cast from your beaming light," he dribbled, the words positively slipping from his mouth in a delightedly Cleon way. She wrinkled her nose in pleased distaste. "I am so glad you chose to wear red tonight. It compliments my hair."

She laughed, allowing him to take her elbow and lead her out of the room. "I am sure it is one of the very few colors that does indeed!"

Cleon kept her laughing, making note of the subtle change that was filtering through her. The way she spoke was changing, just slightly. She was acquiring the courtier's lilt, the shallow flirtation. He was sure even she was not aware of it, but it rang brightly in his mind every time she did it. She was learning to be a princess. Roald's refinement was rubbing off on her. It set his mind at ease to know that she would be able to mold into that artificial world.

Kel was feeling confident as she approached the plaza which had been transformed into a ballroom for the enjoyment of this golden court. Roses spilled onto every surface. Bushes seemed to have bloomed overnight, surrounding the perimeter of the dance floor. Tiled roses had been crafted into the floor. They came in every color: yellow, white, pink, red. All the ladies and gentlemen matched. The dresses seemed to open up under the sparkling gold of the chandeliers and candelabras like the roses had unfolded under the sun.

Then she stepped into the mêlée of the dance and worked her way to the front. At the head of the plaza on an elaborately raised platform was the royal family. The King sat the highest of them all, looking elegantly down on the celebration. Her prince was on his left. She saw him scanning the crowd for her and smiled broadly when his eyes met hers. Then she saw Queen Thayet, seated at her husband's right. She was still the most beautiful woman in the realm. The foreign princess had made a truly sensational queen. Kel's confidence disappeared. Here was a woman who had been raised to be a leader, to be royal as if she could never be anything else. She was gracious and pious, she was the finest queen Tortall had ever seen.

"Do not leave me," Kel pleaded of Cleon, noting the eyes that were vying for his attention. She did not know any of the queen's ladies and could not handle standing alone before the queen.

He grabbed her hand and led her into a dance. "I will spin you and twirl you around all night if need be." He flung her away from him, they both clapped their hands and came back together. "But I am sure your prince will be here at any moment."

Just as he'd said, Kel barely had two dances with Cleon before Roald made his way to her. Many suspected that Roald would be discussing his future tonight and the ladies were flocking, some less appropriately than others. At last he reached her, and Cleon discreetly took his leave. "Finally," he whispered in her ear, pulling her close to him. He was dressed to be her opposite, green from head to toe. She bloomed under his hand, her skirts whirling around her.

"You're doing wonderfully," he muttered under his breath. She looked at him curiously. "You're dancing like you haven't been sword fighting and jousting while every other lady in this room was at convent."

She grinned. "Well, I did learn to do all of those things once, I just went through them all quickly. And we had to take etiquette classes." Then he saw a flash of the real Kel, his Kel. "Plus, I wouldn't be able to dance like this without you or Cleon." She looked across the room and laughed. "Imagine poor Owen." Both of them watched their clumsy friend trip over Lady Cassandra's feet.

As they were enjoying Owen's embarrassment, a page boy came running up to Roald. Dressed in Conte livery, Roald knew the boy had been sent to bring him back up on the platform. He bowed slightly to Kel, and she dipped him a polite curtsy, her heart breaking and racing inside her.

His footsteps left her alone, the loneliest girl in Tortall. She watched him go and wished she could call him back. Then, like a ghost, Cleon appeared at her side. She looked at him incredulously. "Where is your heiress?" She asked.

He squeezed her shoulder gently. "She knows as well as you that I am committed to this cause."

Roald had reached his seat. His father was standing, calling for the attention of the court. She blinked at Cleon. "Cause?" Thayet kept her seat, smiling radiantly, glowing over her garden of loyal flowers.

"I will see you on that throne, at Roald's right as the princess of this realm," he said, also watching the king. "This will not be easy and you know it." King Jonathan had started to speak and Cleon lowered his voice. "I will be a soldier in your front line."

Kel could not hear the king's words, there was too much noise in her head. She wanted to run from this place. She wanted to rip off her hood and let her hair fall out and gallop Peachblossom back to Mindelan as quickly as she could. She stood stark still, every sense alive. Her skin flared where Cleon touched it, her eyes burned from all the glamour of the court, her head clouded from the smell of so many perfumes. She could taste fear on her tongue.

Then it happened. The entire plaza went silent. Her skin absorbed every glare, stare, dropping jaw, and amused chuckle. She was being pulled onto the platform. Her feet stepped forward, following the hand that was guiding her. They walked the stairs, they stopped before her prince. Her guide's hand was replaced with his. Words were spoken, a ring was slipped onto her finger. The Conte seal wrapped itself perfectly around her digit. Then words came from her mouth. Her hand sought his and placed a band of gold around his finger. John turned from her and addressed the court. The dance commenced and her mind was still numb.

People talked to her, pledged themselves and their families to her service, told her how beautiful she was. She answered them, but at the end of the night, could not remember a single response she had made. Roald took her back to her room after the March of the Roses was over and she did not know whether to laugh or to cry.


	12. Chap 12 In Which Kel Starts To Breathe

They stopped at the door and Kel went inside, expecting Roald to follow. He just stood in the doorway. Eyebrows stitched together she walked to him. "What's wrong?" She asked, fiddling with the buttons on his tunic.

He kissed her lightly, taking her hands in his. "We're officially betrothed now, love," he whispered. "Everyone will be watching now. You need to be chaste on our wedding day."

"But I am not!" She hissed. "I need you tonight! I cannot go to my room alone now." Her knuckles were white with grasping him. Her mind was reeling at the implications of what had just happened. She was engaged, she had no friends, people would be plotting her downfall at all moments, and now she could not even have her prince.

He removed one hand and cupped her cheek in his broad palm. Seeing her so distressed angered him. This whole process nearly sent him into a rage for the effect it had had on her. She had become love's prisoner and he wished he could whisk her away to the country and live in a small hovel and just be happy. "I will stay here then," he promised, following her inside and locking the door behind him.

She stopped and turned abruptly toward him. Roald reveled in the first opportunity he had been with Kel in a dress, her breasts small mounds pressed up over her stomacher, her waist small, her hips wide beneath her skirt. He turned her around, unlacing her slowly, just loosening the tight garment. He slid it down gently, until her breasts were released, falling out over the fabric. He cupped them in his hands, massaging until she arched her back against him, feeling his desire for her. Wanting to be inside her, he spun her around and lay her on the bed, his hands working quickly to remove her petticoats. She pulled down his tights while he tried to kick his boots off. Then he was free, and with her skirt still on he plunged inside her, groaning as he watched her face twist with pleasure.

When at last they were done, he fought the urge to collapse onto the floor and undertook the task of removing the rest of Kel's dress. Once she was naked but her charm, he nestled her into the sheets and undressed himself. He crawled in next to her and grabbed her to him, nuzzling his nose into her neck, enjoying the smell of her.

An unexpected contentment filled Kel with her beloved holding her. She turned around in his arms to face him, kissing his forehead. He stirred in his love saturated sleep, and she smiled at how sweet he looked asleep. "Love?" She whispered, watching his eyes heavily open and a smile take over his lips. "Midwinter is getting nearer."

He kissed her eyes, her nose, her lips. "And you shall be a knight of the realm," he assured her. He pulled her closer, his hands low on her lower back. "I love you so," he rumbled, his husky voice sliding against her.

She smiled and straddled him. "I love you too," she breathed, barely able to make the words as she lowered himself onto him.

The next morning Kel knew she had some demons to face and could not keep them at bay any longer. After Roald left, she knocked on the door which connected her room with Raoul's. She heard some grunting and banging on the other side of the wood before he answered, disheveled and half dressed.

"Yes," he asked.

"I'm sorry to have woken you," she said, taking a step back. "I can come back another time."

He shook his head, walking into his room and pulling on a shirt while he talked. "No, I should be awake anyway. You just surprised me." Looking quickly into the darkness of his bedchamber not visible from her doorway, he clicked it shut softly and walked into her room. Looking around at her new accommodations, he whistled quietly. "Well, the prince certainly does keep you well," he remarked.

"He does not keep me at all," she reminded him gently. She pulled a velvet cushioned chair away from the table, beckoning him to sit down with her. He took her invitation.

"What did you need Kel?" He asked, sitting deep in the chair, his bare feet out in front of him.

"For you to understand why I am doing what I am doing," she answered, tugging at the hem of her shirt under the table. "I need you on my side when I enter the chamber this midwinter Raoul."

He considered her for a moment before his hand went to his brow, his fingers working hard on his forehead and temples. "Ugh, Kel," he groaned, his hand now over his mouth. "I know that you feel you are doing the right thing and so you will soon be a princess of my country and then I will lay my sword before you, but I cannot support you. I cannot support you giving up true knighthood for a position leading the riders or some other sheltered chivalry that the Queen does."

Trying desperately hard to remain calm in the face of this painful disapproval, Kel did not speak for a moment. "I will be a knight. Roald and I have spoken," she reminded him. "I will leave here when duty calls, and I will throw myself into the thick of battle. He knows that I will have to go and he will too. It's a part of us both."

Raoul stood and walked to the window, unsure how to respond to his young student. At last he turned to her. "Kel," he started, choosing his words carefully. "You are a grown woman…and stronger than most at that. If you need to do this to be happy then I suppose you should." He moved to her, taking her shoulders in his massive hands. "Just, please, take care not to compromise yourself for the expectations of the court."

Kel fell forward, grabbing him in a hug. "I will, I promise I will," she said, smiling.

Raoul chuckled despite himself and returned to his room. Kel could hear Buri's voice through the walls. _One down, a kingdom to go_ she thought to herself, knowing it would be much easier said than done.

AN: Okay, here's chapter 12. I've felt inspired to keep going with this story so hopefully that keeps up. I'm sure reviews would help, hint hint.


	13. Chap 13 In Which Kel Steps Inside

"Be there to catch me when I come tumbling out, but it is not appropriate for you to be at the cleansing," Kel said to Roald, picking up her room as he sat on the bed watching.

Arms folded, he slouched in displeasure. "I am your betrothed! Who else could you possibly want there with you in the moments before you enter the Chamber of the Ordeal?"

She smiled at the way his nose twitched when he was irritated. Grabbing her glave from its propped up position in the doorway she placed it carefully into its rack. She continued to meander, putting away polishing cloths and rearranging the books on her shelf. Roald groaned, flopping backwards onto the mattress, his arms cast out on either side of him.

"Will you answer me at least, woman," he said, exasperated at her disinterest.

Then she stopped, her face still facing away from him, looking at the spines of the text books she had acquired. "I would like to ask Neal to do it," she said, continuing to alphabetize books.

She heard him rise from the bed and take swift steps across the room until she felt his hands on her shoulders, wheeling her around. "You want to ask Neal?" He asked, dropping his hands to his sides in disbelief. "He hasn't spoken to you in weeks."

She nodded, grabbing the hem of her tunic between her fingers, rolling the fabric back and forth between them. "I know." He grabbed her hand to stop her fidgeting and she continued. "And I thought of asking others, but Neal is who I really want there. He was my first friend here and I can't bear to think of that being over, or looking back later and both of us regretting that we missed this opportunity."

The features of his face softened, but then he sighed, amusement replacing his frustration.

"What?" Kel demanded, taking a step back from him.

He pulled her gently back, stroking the back of her hands with his thumbs. "You are right, love. Neal should be the one with you, if not me. But he can't." She cocked her head, one eyebrow lifting slightly higher than the other. "He is not a knight Kel. You must be with two already instated knights. Otherwise it would ruin the ritual," he explained.

Her shoulders sagged, her face falling into a frown. "Who will I have to do it then Roald?" She said, leaning back against the bookshelf.

"You will have Raoul." He tucked a piece of hair that had loosened itself from her tie, behind her ear. "And perhaps Alanna may be able to do it."

Kel grabbed her riding gear, ready to go out to work Peachblossom and shook her head. "No, she won't be able to." As she bundled her things, she looked over her shoulder at Roald, silently asking if he would join her. "I will ask Inness."

Sitting in the chapel, cleansed by her brother and her knight master, Kel started her night of silence. She knew the hours would pass quickly and that she would spend them all in constant reflection. Knees pressed into the hard stone floor, she rested her head against the bench in front of her. She wondered when at last she would be able to breathe. Since she had fought to become a page all those years ago, she had done nothing but fight. Against her probation, Joren, conservative families, for Lalasa, for her dignity, for Roald, and now, for her shield. Walking through the door in the morning, and coming out shaken, but a knight of the realm, would not give her the release she needed. She still had to get married, and perform her knightly duties. The fight was never over.

Then hands were on her shoulders, pulling her up. Her knees ached as they lifted off the stone. The door was gaping open before her. Taking a moment to collect herself, she clenched and unclenched her fists. Then she walked into the looming room that would determine the rest of her life.


End file.
